Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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