She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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