I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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