Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
