There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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