I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
