get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
