It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
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