She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
