On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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