My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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