Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
