You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
