I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
