Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
