Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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