I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
he quoted the bible to break up with me
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
