oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
