First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Randomize
