So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
