just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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