He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
