So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
