I faked an abortion last night.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
people are starting to question the shark bite story
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
