Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
