I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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