God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
