The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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