we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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