the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
