dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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