is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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