I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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