I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
