12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
