remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
