Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
