whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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