There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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