The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
