If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
