i think i have herpe
just one?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
