I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
