Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
