wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
