U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
