I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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