My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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