i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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