I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
