last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
