Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
