His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
