my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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