i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
